Slashdot | Secure, Portable, Virtual Privacy Machine

See, I want one of these but ... I want it the size of a pack of smokes. I want it to have all of the features of an iPod & a palm pilot. I want it to have several gigs of flash ram for the OS and apps and to (if I chose) save the text portion of my email. I want it to have the functionality of ZOË. I want a removable hard drive to store my media (and mail attachments). I want it to have HDTV out. I want it to have digital out for multichannel listening, with the codecs in firmware but DSP accelerated. It should have bluetooth/wireless/IR or somesuch and be able to live securely on a network as a passive media device or connected to a PC via USB/FireWire/SAS/xxx . It should cost less than $300 US. The headphone jack/amplifier should have externalization capability. The browser should be able to save all of my browsed pages and any other extension I choose to install.